It's been a long 8 years since you passed away, 8 years since I last felt your whiskers on my cheek as I would when we said goodbye and the smell of cigarettes as you sat in your sat smoking (and hopefully without falling asleep and nearly setting it on fire). New Year is the time of year that we all look back on the year that has passed us by, the memories and the precious moments created slip away as we look ahead to a new year full of adventures and memories to be created. I don't think New Years will ever be the same for me since it’s the day that 8 years ago that you left this world.  

The memory still at the forefront of my mind each year, hanging out with my younger cousin Molly and looking ahead to what a celebration and the prospect of a New Year beyond a night’s sleep. I still remember my dad dashing out around 3 with a word of just going to my grandmas and that he’ll be back shortly, little did I know you were slipping out of our hands. My dad tried so hard to help bring you back to us but it just didn’t work… I remember around 5-6pm when my mum came in in floods of tears announcing ‘he’s gone, grandad’s gone’.. my world collapsed and I remember words of ‘I just want to die’ escaping from my young mind as someone so important and so precious in my life passed away. I suddenly felt a void, a sense of being empty.

Growing up you were a significant person in my life who along with Grandma would play a huge part in a lot of my favourite childhood memories. You introduced me to the likes of Police Academy, The King and I and The Sound Of Music (of which is still my favourite) to name a few and the number of times we would watch those on VHS during our time spent together. The walks in the sunshine, the strawberry plants in your garden and the stupid amounts of Dandelion and Burdock that I would drink. However I do not have the memory of our last time spent together, the last conversation that we ever had.. that haunts me. I would have loved to have acknowledged that and kept it forever. There is a massive part of me which wishes that I had kept a diary during my childhood, to have something to read or turn to whenever I wanted to remember you. All I have is the precious moments stored in my memory, the little things I never want to lose.

I am 23 now with a dance degree, a career in dance and loving boyfriend and friends. I’m sure you always knew I could do it and it was your passing that made me want to work hard and achieve big things. I’m not alone in saying that whenever we lose someone special the things that hurt us most are the things that they will won't be around to experience. I wish you were here when I started university when I graduated, when I got all of my dance jobs because I know how proud you’d be. I still tell Grandma them all and I’m glad she’s here to experience them for you because you both are a massive part of my life. You would not believe how big our family has grown, it's incredible. I’m sure you would have loved the ones you did not have the chance to meet as much as the ones you did meet. We still talk about you, at moments and it’s comforting to know you’re still a part of their life as much as you are of me. We continue to tell the younger cousins about your personality and I am sure they would have loved you too.